BRASS REGALIA 

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1. Natural Beings

2. Heartcore

3. Compass

4. Spite of / Roots

5. Whispers / Miles Away

6. Façades

7. Whose Love Do You Crave?

8. Simple Things

9. Meditation / Untethered Soul

10. Since I Have to Die Today

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ABOUT​

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While attending Terence Blanchard’s opera Fire Shut Up In My Bones, a powerful portrayal of author Charles M. Blow’s path through childhood sexual abuse and trauma, I came to understand the potential impact I could have by sharing my own personal journey. Brass Regalia emerges from that realization – journeying my own innocence of youth to the depths of trauma and the ultimate path to forgiveness and healing. Unfolding layer by layer, the narrative culminates in a powerful revelation and heart-opening transformation. Brass Regalia is a rich musical odyssey that resonates deep within the soul, an experience that tells of the resilience of the human spirit.

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1. Natural Beings
   In their most natural state, I believe all beings rest in beauty and innocence. The introduction of this suite begins here – at a place of purity and peace – a place before trauma.

2. Heartcore
   Towards the end of my decade-long process of healing from my abuse and trauma, I discovered EMDR – Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing – a life-changing form of psychotherapy originally developed to help people recover from trauma and PTSD. During EMDR, a patient recalls distressing memories while following a set of bilateral stimuli, such as side-to-side eye movements, tapping, or sounds. In Heartcore, the first instances of this bilateral healing psychotherapy are referenced. The juxtaposition of hurt and heart are displayed through the “bilateral” intervals, dynamics, and colors.

3. Compass
   While in pain, manipulation and confusion can be misguiding. However, in Compass, the intuition of the heart and soul takes the lead, pointing north and carrying on even in the most challenging of times.

4. Spite of / Roots
   Early on in my healing process, I shared my experiences with a friend who had endured similar childhood abuse. I told him, “at least there is a benefit to my abuse. It is because of my trauma that I am a passionate and expressive person and musician.” However, he quickly rebutted, “No! It is IN SPITE of your abuse that you possess those qualities and are the person you are.” Spite of references the “in spite of” mentality but also the spite that remained.
   The second half of the movement, Roots, was written for my family. The unconditional love and support I had from my parents and brother is what calibrated my internal compass. Those Roots possessed the reasons I was able to endure, the reasons I was who I was, and the reasons I am who I am – all In Spite of.

5. Whispers / Miles Away
   Only within the last year – during the conception of this work – did I ever truly heal. I spent decades justifying why it was okay or beneficial that I was emotionally and sexually abused. Maybe I was a better artist because of it. Maybe I was more passionate or more emotionally aware. Maybe I was me because of… In the middle of my healing process, I started looking back and saying, “what if?” What if I used my reprocessed memories to reimagine the time alone with my abuser right before my first moment of trauma. I wondered, “what if I could whisper to my parents, ‘…come home…’” My loving parents were merely miles away. If they had come home two hours sooner, before the first abuse, would I still be me In Spite of?

6. Façades
   One of the remarkable qualities about the human spirit is its ability to adapt and survive. Façades represents the survival techniques developed in the midst of abuse. “How can I become what others need me to be so I can avoid pain and ridicule?” In this fight for emotional and physical survival, the act of saving oneself can simultaneously cause one to lose themselves – to become a Façade.

7. Whose Love Do You Crave?
   In 2016, while listening to recordings of my playing, I could hear that something was “off.” There was something locked inside, and I could hear it in my music. Around the same time, I stumbled upon a documentary entitled Tony Robbins: I Am Not Your Guru. This larger-than-life energetic life coach got my attention, and within a week, I proceeded to watch 40+ hours of his YouTube videos. Often, in front of thousands of conference attendees, Tony Robbins would give “interventions” to help heal or guide individuals. The first question he would always ask was, “Whose love did you crave? Your mother’s or your father’s?” After hearing this dozens of times, I began to ask myself the same question and thought to myself, “well I had the love of my mother and my father…” Then I yelled, “Chuck!!” I realized in that moment I had been suppressing my abuse for nearly 20 years. The person entrusted to take care of my brother and me as children during the summer months – who we grew to love like an uncle – secretly became my abuser and the person I most craved to be loved by.

8. Simple Things
   The truth is not complicated. Knowing is knowing and requires nothing else. The simple things are precisely that.

9. Meditation / Untethered Soul
   Total body, mind, and spirit. It was through releasing attachment—through forgiving myself for the decades I spent repeating and believing the manipulations of someone whose love I craved—that I finally untethered myself, and my spirit, from pain and suffering. I forgave him, and most importantly, I forgave myself.

10. Since I Have to Die Today
    Pain is rich but love heals all of us
    It is the juxtaposition of things – dark to light, left to right, suffering to joy – that gives us vivid perspective. Opposites are bilateral: distinct yet inseparable. As in EMDR, the process of dying to oneself is also bilateral. In an effort to suppress and hide from my trauma, I died to the Roots of my authenticity for decades. However, the only way I was able to truly heal, was to die to my Façades. It was only through this death that I can now live.

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LYRICS

Verse 1:
Since I have to die today
Should I let you go
Since my folks are miles away
Should I lose all hope
You know it’s wrong
We’ll carry on
Just hide away
Maybe three more days

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Verse 2:
Twenty years and miles of rage
Hidden deep inside of me
Trauma and a smiling face
Hides it from my family
Because of him
Am I glowing strong
But behind my grin
I know something’s wrong

‘cause

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Chorus:
I know I’m not meant for this life
Pain is rich but love heals all of us
I know I’m not meant for this life
Pain is rich but love heals all of us

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